PREPARING TO DIE 3-RELATIONSHIPS [Su, 1-16-22]

CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter

It was at Bill and Susie’s 50^th wedding anniversary party. [None of the names are actual.] It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon in the church parlor. No formal receiving line, just happy milling around, standing, eating cake, drinking punch. Bill and Susie were well known, so many people were coming and going, including folks I didn’t know. Thus, it wasn’t surprising when a man came in by the “wrong” door, or that he looked a bit lost.

You can tell if someone is a newcomer by what they look at. This is probably true of all organizations, but I know it in terms of church. If they are looking at the building, they are strangers. They don’t know the layout. They are trying to figure out where to go. If they have been there before, they are looking at the people, figuring where to sit to be among friends, or where to sit to avoid someone. [1]           

The “wrong door” man was clearly a stranger in our building, but he wasn’t looking at signs. He was scanning the crowd. I was sure I didn’t know him, but still he looked familiar. When he spied Bill, he went straight to him. Bill looked surprised and not surprised at the same time. Susie and everyone else ignored them. They talked rather seriously for about fifteen minutes, with neither happiness nor anger, and then, without shaking hands, the man turned around and left, by the wrong door.

Sam, the adult son of Bill and Susie, and the host for their party, had watched this. As he saw the man leave, he looked both bewildered and relieved. I went over to him.

“That was my uncle, Bob, my dad’s brother,” he said. “Dad has never said why, but they have not spoken to each other for over thirty years.”

Bob died not long after that. He was getting ready for death, by getting his relationships in order, by finishing the business of making the broken whole, as much as possible. He knew if he had called Bill on the phone, he might not even take the call. But he knew that Bill would have to receive him, and whatever he needed to say, in that public setting in the church. Or maybe not—it was a risk. But it was worth taking, in order to get ready to die.

John Robert McFarland

1] It’s amazing what church people get worked up over. When I was newly appointed to a large university church, I saw lots of folks come in and look around at the building. We had many newcomers every Sunday. It was a large, multi-leveled, multi-winged new building, but nothing fancy. The walls were just concrete block. Nicely painted, but designed for use. I suggested that we buy small, unobtrusive signs, in a color that contrasted nicely with the wall, with arrows pointing out the various places people needed to locate—rest rooms, sanctuary, chapel, parlor, offices, Sunday School, etc. One woman went ballistic. “That’s ridiculous to spend money for that. It would ruin the looks of our nice new building. Everyone knows where everything is anyway.” So the board decided not to buy signs. They didn’t say there could be no signs, though, so I got some student artists to make very nice signs for nothing. Needless to say, that did not go well with “Mrs. Aginer,” but no one else objected, and new folks were able to find their way around. Eventually the board decided to replace them with discreet, purchased signs, just like the first ones I had suggested. Some folks think things have value only if you’ve paid for them.