HOW TO BE AN OLD MAN [F, 7-26-24]

 BEYOND WINTER: The Irrelevant Musings of an Old Man—HOW TO BE AN OLD MAN [F, 7-26-24]

 

I have been trying to decide what kind of old man I should be. It is a pressing issue, for my half-birthday is coming soon. This is not a simple decision, however, for there are several templates…

THE GENTLEMAN

He is polite and pleasant. His voice is soft. He does not make smart remarks just because the occasion for such is presented. Especially if he created the occasion himself.

His attire is not fashionable but it is not noticeable. He does not wear multiple plaids at the same time. When in public, he wears “dress” shoes. They need not be highly polished, but they should not be falling apart, just because he liked to wear tan bucks when he was in college, and especially they should not be the same tan bucks he wore in college.

His head attire does not make it look like he has hair when he does not.

He has not figured out whether to wear the belt above or below, but it looks like he is trying.

He does not wear belt and suspenders at the same time.

He does not offer to show you what he carries in his cargo pockets.

THE ACCEPTOR 

He accepts old age with grace. He does not try to act like a young person. He does not run marathons. He does not enter dance competitions. He does not carry a Viagra pack sticking up out of a pocket.

He does not have “a bucket list.”

He is not jolly. He does not wink a lot. He does not say things like, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” and “When a door closes, another opens.”

He does not quote himself: “As I was saying to Hortense this morning, it’s a hot day.”

He is not despised as “a curve raiser.” [See “not running marathons” above.]

THE HUMORIST 

He sounds like Mark Twain, or at least Garrison Keillor, not like Dave Chappell or Jo Koy.

He does not tell you how to react to his humor, as in, “Oh, man, you’re going to laugh at this one.”

He does not think that stories are better if they are longer.

He knows that stories should have a punch line.

He does not think that everything he says is funny.

THE SAGE 

Everything he says is considered and considerate instead of just stuff that comes into his mind.

He does not speak if he has nothing to say

He does not give advice unless asked for it.

He calls on his vast reservoir of knowledge instead of making up statistics on the spot.

DECISION?

As you can see, there is a great deal wrong with all these models for a man like me. I guess I’ll have to get older before I can fit into one of these categories. I’m just not old enough to be an old man.

John Robert McFarland