BEYOND WINTER: The Irrelevant Memories of An Old Man—LOVE WITH FLAWS [Sat, 3-15-25] I’ll call him Chuck. We met when we were in our forties. We had a lot in common and easily became good friends. Chuck had two problems, and they both involved his body. First, he had a weak heart. Secondly, he had a weak will. He was really handsome. Not only handsome, but attractive in every way—kind, personal, attentive, pleasant. Women found him very appealing. Wanting always to be attentive and pleasant and kind to anyone he knew, Chuck had trouble setting appropriate boundaries with those women. As his friend, I went through a lot of episodes with Chuck, both with his weakened heart and with his weakened will. After a while, we were separated geographically, and I did not see him as much, but I always made an effort to visit him when he had a weakening episode. So, I went to visit him in the hospital, before he was having major heart surgery the next day. This was back when people came to the hospital the day before surgery and spent the night. I waited until late, after visiting hours, so I could see him alone. In a hospital, no one questions the presence of a serious-looking man in a clerical collar, regardless of what time it is. Not only was Chuck having surgery, but some of his boundary issues had surfaced, too. He knew that I was in a position to know about how far they had surfaced before he did. When I walked in, his face fell. “I love you,” he said, “but whenever you show up, it means I’m in trouble.” There were several speakers at his funeral. They spoke of all the good things he had done. I spoke last. I said, “I must be in the wrong place. I thought this was a service for Chuck. The man I knew by that name had a lot of flaws…” Afterward, his wife and children and sister sought me out to thank me. “The other speakers, they told the truth about him, how kind and gracious he was. But you told the whole truth. You told about his flaws, too, and that lets us grieve the real man, all that he was. You were his friend not in spite of his flaws, but with them.” I write this on a Wednesday. In my schedule for remembering, Wednesday is Friends Day, when I make a point of reliving good times with departed friends. As I think about my friends, I realize that those who loved me best were the ones who loved me not in spite of my flaws but with my flaws. I am grateful to them. John Robert McFarland “Practice prepares the mind, but suffering prepares the heart.”

BEYOND WINTER: The Irrelevant Memories of An Old Man—LOVE WITH FLAWS [Sat, 3-15-25]

 

I’ll call him Chuck. We met when we were in our forties. We had a lot in common and easily became good friends.

Chuck had two problems, and they both involved his body. First, he had a weak heart. Secondly, he had a weak will.

He was really handsome. Not only handsome, but attractive in every way—kind, personal, attentive, pleasant. Women found him very appealing. Wanting always to be attentive and pleasant and kind to anyone he knew, Chuck had trouble setting appropriate boundaries with those women.

As his friend, I went through a lot of episodes with Chuck, both with his weakened heart and with his weakened will.

After a while, we were separated geographically, and I did not see him as much, but I always made an effort to visit him when he had a weakening episode.

So, I went to visit him in the hospital, before he was having major heart surgery the next day. This was back when people came to the hospital the day before surgery and spent the night. I waited until late, after visiting hours, so I could see him alone. In a hospital, no one questions the presence of a serious-looking man in a clerical collar, regardless of what time it is.

Not only was Chuck having surgery, but some of his boundary issues had surfaced, too. He knew that I was in a position to know about how far they had surfaced before he did.

When I walked in, his face fell. “I love you,” he said, “but whenever you show up, it means I’m in trouble.”

There were several speakers at his funeral. They spoke of all the good things he had done. I spoke last. I said, “I must be in the wrong place. I thought this was a service for Chuck. The man I knew by that name had a lot of flaws…”

Afterward, his wife and children and sister sought me out to thank me. “The other speakers, they told the truth about him, how kind and gracious he was. But you told the whole truth. You told about his flaws, too, and that lets us grieve the real man, all that he was. You were his friend not in spite of his flaws, but with them.”

I write this on a Wednesday. In my schedule for remembering, Wednesday is Friends Day, when I make a point of reliving good times with departed friends. As I think about my friends, I realize that those who loved me best were the ones who loved me not in spite of my flaws but with my flaws. I am grateful to them.

John Robert McFarland

“Practice prepares the mind, but suffering prepares the heart.”