THE TEARS OF THE TELEMARKETER [F. 1-29-21]

CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter

THE TEARS OF THE TELEMARKETER  [F. 1-29-21]

I decided I needed to lie down and do my deep breathing exercise and go to my happy place and trust the moment because I had been so busy all morning, thinking about stuff, but just as I got situated on the sofa, the muscle in the back of my neck got a charley horse, so I went to put some mustard on Ritz crackers, because my friend, Allyson, says that neck muscle cramps are caused by a mustard deficiency, and then my bladder decided it needed a vacation, the kind we take in the bathroom, and when we got back to the sofa, the phone rang.

I once dated a girl named Tella Markeeter, so when the phone ID voice said it was her, naturally I answered.

How are you? she said, quite cheerily.

I’m great, Tella, I said. How are you?

No, this is not Tella, she said. This is Sandra and I’m calling about…

I know, I said, and I’m really glad you called, because I do need to extend the warranty on my car. How long can we go for?

No, said Sandra, I’m not calling about extending your warranty, I’m calling about…

But I don’t use my credit card much, Sandra, I said, because, you know, being old and all, what with the virus, I can’t go anyplace, so I don’t need a card with a smaller percentage.

No, said Sandra, that’s the bank that calls about credit cards. I’m calling about…

But the woman from the bank said her name was Sandra, too. Are you the same Sandra?

No, Sandra is a common name. What I’m calling about…

Oh, I don’t know, Sandra, about it being a common name. I think it’s really special. I once dated a girl named Sandra. Could one of you be her?

I don’t know about the other Sandra she said, sounding a bit miffy about it, but I know it’s not me.

Actually, it’s not I would be correct, but his may not be the best time to talk about the predicate nominative, I guess, I said.

No, Sandra said, we haven’t been doing predictive nomination calls since the election. I’m calling about…

When the other Sandra called, she said there was nothing wrong with my credit card account. Why would the bank call to say there is nothing wrong with my credit card, Sandra?

I don’t know. That’s the other Sandra. I’m calling about…

You know, you’re right. I do need a vacation. And not just the kind my bladder wants to take. Do you have a time share in Haiti?

Time shares in Haiti we do not have. It is this about which I call…

Wait, your voice has changed. You don’t sound like Sandra.

This is not Sandra. This is Thelma. I’m calling about…

Thelma is a strange name for someone who sounds like she’s from India, I said.

Well, big New Delhi deal, she said, you sound like you’re from Indiana, so who’s got the more worser accent?

What happened to Sandra? I asked Thelma.

Sandra went up onto the roof to scream, Thelma said.

Does this happen very often? I asked.

No, Thelma, said. Only when we call you.

 

John Robert McFarland