CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter: TIS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED… [Sa, 1-14-23]
“’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
I came across these words from Alfred Lord Tennyson at exctly the right time. I was eighteen, and Susie, my first college girlfriend, had just dumped me, for being “too conservative.” [1]
Oh, there is no sorrow more bitter than unrequited love! There is no one so disconsolate--internally only, of course, because I am a guy—as a jilted college freshman.
I don’t know how or where I discovered those eternal words of Tennyson, but I wrote them, with a blue ink fountain pen, on a leaf from a 4x6 pad and propped it on my desk where I would be constantly reminded of my loss and its poignancy.
I have told others of the depth of my despair, even written about it, I think, but the only person who had to live through it was my roommate, Tom Cone. He was sympathetic, but only so far. He bought me a new shirt--which was no small thing since we were both quite poor and a new shirt expanded my wardrobe exponentially. He seemed to think that a new shirt would help me to get a new girlfriend. It was an obvious attempt to get me to shut up about how I was never going to love again because the loss of love was so painful.
Now as I recite that to myself—Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all—it is Tom, himself, that I have in mind. You may know already about his recent death. I wrote a eulogy for him in this column on 12-15-22. Good friends, close friends, for a little over 67 years. I didn’t see him much over the last 2 or 3 years. Covid lockdown and old age and geography came between us. That does not diminish the poignancy of losing him.
But he and I have been through this before, together. He helped me to learn that love is eternal, that it really is true…better to have loved and lost, because love is never lost.
John Robert McFarland
1] Later, this was
somewhat confusing when my next girlfriend dumped me for being “too liberal.”
The photo is Tom at the top of his law career.
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ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how any college kid could get through their first year without getting dumped. I got dumped a lot. Probably because I wore "my heart on my sleeve". The hardest dump came from Judy (not McCaffery, another Judy whom you may guess). I grieved a bunch for a while and decided I needed to get over it and get on with my Cee average. I had a little white calcium spot on the back portion of my index fingernail at the time. I decided I would harbor my sorrow for only as long as that little spot took to grow out. I would look at it occasionally and think about Judy. By the time it had completely grown out I had been dumped by someone else (or many someones). I think it has to do with control more than love. I figured my little spot would be with me, even if the girl (girls) might arbitrarily decide to leave me.
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