CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter—HOW TO GET FREE FOOD AT MCDONALD’S… [R, 10-12-23]
Okay, I’ll explain step by step how to get free food at McDonald’s. No, not just that “senior coffee” discount. That’s small potatoes, or small French fries in McDonald’s terms.
Make it look like you plan to use the drive-thru. However, admire the wild flowers growing there and go past the entrance lane and turn into the exit lane.
A lot of cars will start coming right at you, with no place to turn around. So make it look like you are an old person with nothing to lose and let them make the decision to drive into the side of the building to avoid you. Go to the back of the lot, beside the garbage dumpsters, and make a K turn with much backing and filling to avoid said dumpsters, and said cars that want to get past you to take their burgers home.
Notice that it’s actually a good thing you did not get into the drive-through lane because there are many cars backed up waiting their turn to order. Now you are going in the direction as everyone else, so you can angle park near the front doors and go inside to order, since that will be much faster.
Inside, however, there will be a sign that says you have to order at the kiosk, which is that big fancy board where people used to be. You can look at photos of sandwiches and fries and drinks and tap on them with your finger to say what you want, and how many, and even round up to give your change to the Ronald McDonald House. Eventually the kiosk will note that your order number is 810. The kiosk says you can pay there or at the counter. You are trying to keep the cash economy alive for the sake of poor people who don’t have credit cards, so you elect to pay cash at the counter.
Go to the place where lots of customers are standing around watching the other side of the counter where lots of employees are running around doing food-prep like activities. Listen as someone calls out 808, so that you know you’ll get your food soon. Try to look old. Wait…
The manager will yell out that some employees should come out and pay attention to all the people standing around. One employee will actually do so. All the other customers will be given sacks of food and leave. Try to look pitiful. Wait…
Stand there looking decrepit and pathetic. The manager will beckon you over and call you “Dear” and ask what you ordered. By that time, you will have forgotten, so you just tell her whatever comes to mind, which is 2 cheeseburgers, even though you actually ordered quarter-pounders with cheese, since this is the main meal of the day, and they are much larger than just plain cheeseburgers.
Wait while she asks you three times--because she is “distracted with much serving,” the way Martha was when Jesus came to visit--which size fries you ordered. Answer “medium” each time.
She will hand you a sack. Act like you are getting out money to pay. She will be tired of seeing you by then, and also feel sorry for you, and say, “Go on. Get out of here. I’ve got this.”
Stagger a bit as you exit so that she’ll know she made a good decision.
Mollify those at home by saying yes, you know that the cheeseburgers are small, but that you got them for free…
John
Robert McFarland
Scripture for the following true story - Give us this day our daily bread (Matthew 6:11):
ReplyDeleteIt was just before 6 PM, and the sun hadn't gone down yet. It was a cool, crisp, autumn day in the Land of Enchantment. Wispy dark gray clouds and a pale yellow would soon form a magnificent sunset. I was going for a walk in order to fill my belly in a mysterious and unfamiliar place. I see a fast food joint up ahead, just before a Chick-fil-A became visible. I like Chick-fil-A, but I decided to try something different. After all, variety is the spice of life. I walked up to the undiscovered restaurant, intending to try the front entrance, which was surrounded by an area cordoned off by a fence that enclosed outdoor seating. It's a nogo - the door is locked. I try the side door. Same thing - it's locked. I peer into the restaurant and notice that it's dark inside and that no one is in there. I recollect that no one was in the outdoor seating either. Hmmmm. What's up? My heart sank as my stomach rumbled. So I go around to the back and talk to a woman in her car, who is going through the drive-thru. I ask her if this restaurant is a drive-thru only restaurant; she laughs and says, "No," that there are two doors that I can enter. So I decided to enter the only remaining door left, the one that says "Employees Only", since I had already tried to enter the two public doors. Just then, a woman comes out of the "Employees Only" door, and I ask her if I can enter the restaurant. She says yes, so I tried the two public doors again, hoping that this same employee might have opened at least one of them after I had already tried them. It's a nogo. Right then and there, the definition of insanity entered my head - trying the same thing more than once and expecting a different result. I went to the Chick-fil-A.
That's wonderful, David; you would fit right in at our McDonald's!
ReplyDelete