THE FRIENDSHIP OF THE IGNORED [W. 6-2-21]

CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter

THE FRIENDSHIP OF THE IGNORED   [W. 6-2-21]

 

The wonderful book of short stories by my writing friend, Elaine Fowler Palencia, had just been published. I went to the Walden Books in Lincoln Square mall to get a copy. Walden Book stores were great. I miss them.

I went to the service desk and said, “I want a Small Caucasian Woman.”

I suddenly realized that the woman working there was a large, non-Caucasian woman. She spread out her arms and said, “Honey, why you want a small Caucasian woman?”

I am not usually speechless, but I sputtered. She took pity on me. “Yes, I know. It’s a book. I’ll get you a Small Caucasian Woman,” she said.

Small Caucasian Woman is the title story in the book, a story about a woman who places a personal ad in the newspaper, one of those types that goes like “Middle-aged man seeks younger woman for pleasant times. No fatties.” In her case, it was “Small Caucasian woman seeks…”

You couldn’t get away with something like “no fatties” on the modern internet dating sites, but before the internet, people depended upon personals in newspapers. It was a cheap way of finding someone who might share your interests. It was even cheaper if you used one of those free “shopper” newspapers, but if you put a free personal in a shopper, you knew you’d get a less desirable category of respondents. The shopper papers didn’t proofread.

Recently I saw a TV ad for an internet dating site for old people, like in their fifties. I don’t think there are any sites that specialize in geezers, but it made me think: What would I put as my profile on a dating site? I know everybody lies on those sites, but that just doesn’t come naturally to me, so all I could come up with was: “Circling the drain. Likes to take naps.”

I wasn’t always old, though. There was a time when I was an Acceptable. At least at the low end of Acceptable.

In high school, there were three categories of dating possibilities: Desirable, Acceptable, and Ignorable. In dating, never the three were to meet. Desirable girls dated only Desirable boys.

Desirable boys were: athletes, cars, bad boys, money, clothes, looks, family, personality [if all else failed].

Desirable girls were: looks, cheerleaders, money, clothes, looks, dancing ability, and personality [if all else failed].

It wasn’t too bad if an Ignorable boy tried for an Acceptable girl. Or maybe even a Desirable girl. It meant only that he was pathetic.  He was an object of sympathy to the whole school.

It was especially embarrassing, though, if some Ignorable girl set her sights on a Desirable boy. Going after an Acceptable boy was bad enough, but she would be a laughing-stock if she went after a Desirable.

Yes, it was a double standard, and it was mean, but it was reality. High school reality is usually mean.

Ignorables later thrived on the anonymity of personal ads. They could go after anyone, without others making fun of them for doing so. I’m sorry I didn’t think of personal ads when I was editor of the school newspaper. Could have doubled my salary.

My insistence as class president on including everybody in all the class activities [See the CIW for 5-26] got me into trouble when it came to dating. I knew I could not date a Desirable, even though I had a prestigious position as president. President made me part of the work structure of the school, not part of the popularity structure. But, even though I was an Acceptable, I figured if an Ignorable asked me for a date, like a Sadie Hawkins Day dance, I had to accept.

Because I felt I couldn’t ignore them, Ignorable girls became some of my best friends. No, they weren’t good-looking, or popular, and they made their own clothes, but they were smart and funny and creative and compassionate. They were the backbone of the work structure. Like Walden Book stores, they’re all gone now. It doesn’t bother them; they’re used to being ignored. I miss them, though.

John Robert McFarland