Are You Bloated Tonight?

CHRIST IN WINTER: Reflections on Faith & Life for the Years of Winter— 

The first time I heard Linda Luttrell sing was when we were in 7^th grade. The last time was at our 50 year high school reunion.

“Three Little Words” was her solo at an assembly program in the old “Departmental” school building in Oakland City, IN. I recall thinking, “She sounds just like someone you’d hear on the radio.” She was that good.

In between 7^th grade and our 50 year reunion, she sang many solos, earning degrees in music, becoming a classically trained and beautifully voiced music professor.

And just as a classy and classical soprano aria soloist would do it, she sang this after supper at the all-school banquet that featured our class as the honored guests for our 50 years. It is, of course, to the tune of “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” It was written by Roy Turk and Lou Handman in 1926, but made popular by Elvis Presley in 1960.

Are you bloated tonight

Does your tummy feel tight

Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums

Does your memory stray

To that bright sunny day

When you had all your teeth and your gums

Is your hairline receding?

Your eyes growing dim

Hysterectomy for her

And it’s prostate for him

Does your back give you pain?

Do your knees predict rain?

Tell me dear, are you bloated tonight?

Is your blood pressure up

Good cholesterol down

Are you eating your low fat cuisine

All that oat bran and fruit

Metamucil to boot

Makes you run like

A well oiled machine

If it’s football or baseball

He sure knows the score

Yes he knows where it’s at

But forgets what it’s for

So your gallbladder’s gone

But your gout lingers on

Tell me dear, are you bloated tonight?

When you’re hungry, he’s not,

When you’re cold, he is hot,

Then you start that old thermostat war

When you turn out the light

He goes left and you go right

Then you get his great symphonic snore

He was once so romantic

So witty and smart

How did he turn out to be such

A cranky old fart?

So don’t take any bets

It’s as good as it gets

Tell me dear, are you bloated tonight?

John Robert McFarland

“How did I get over the hill without ever getting to the top of it?”