When we got to a certain age, we decided we needed our time for drinking coffee instead of mowing the yard and planting rose bushes. The solution: move to a condo, where all the maintenance is done for you, for a monthly fee.
Turns out that “all the maintenance” does not cover “all.” Like when things go bump in the night in your walls. Helen called Affordable Pest Control when that happened. I heard her describe the noise and then say, “Well, can you DO anything about the bogeyman?” Turns out they could, for a price. Not exactly Affordable, after all, and it is slightly worrisome when the pest control guy’s first thought is the bogeyman. That should have been a clue. Turns out they are affordable for a reason.
But we called them again when a great commotion started in the chimney, above the damper in the fireplace, said damper being thankfully closed. Commotion continued. Affordable came and took a look.
“Well, it’s probably a squirrel. You’ll have to wait until it dies and then you can open the damper and it will fall out. That’ll be $94.”
Helen made a suggestion involving a chain saw and black plastic bags. Not sure for whom.
So Affordable holds a black plastic bag in front of the fire place and opens the damper. Out come two squirrels, one dead and one not dead. Turns out the non-dead squirrel is not at all interested in getting into the black plastic bag.
Through the living room and around and around the dining room it ran. On a hunch, I had already closed all the room doors, so all we had to do was open the outside doors. Turns out it was a little bit more complicated. Helen screaming and running onto the patio to rearrange the furniture there. [She claims it was to prop the storm door open.] Affordable and me chasing, squirrel running round and round the dining room table. Affordable and I get towels and play matador, shooing Scotty—which is what my mother called every squirrel, on the theory that they were as thrifty as Scots, saving nuts and such—toward the open doors.
Afterward, much gasping and vacuuming and sweeping and scrubbing.
Unfortunately, too busy to do any filming. But when Affordable said it was the most fun he’s had in days. Helen went for the black plastic bags again…